Initial thoughts upon returning...

     I'm back and yes, things are different and for a variety of reasons. I have been back in the country for just over two months now. I thought I would try to articulate a handful of the bazillion thoughts floating around these days...

     The truth is, my feelings fluctuate day to day. And if I'm honest with myself, they've been known to vary by the second. I'm trying to have grace with myself as all these feelings rush through me on the daily. But it does get exhausting at times. And there are times where all I want to do is chill by myself and watch TV. And that's OK. Wait, stop... did you really read that? It. Is. OK. Honestly, it is. I promise. I'm not saying this to worry anyone, I just want people to know where I'm at because I might not be able to express it in the moment. I think I've seen 5 friends since being back. If I haven't seen you yet, I'm sorry. Please know that I want to. But you see, I've come to enjoy the mora mora lifestyle. I'm going to slow it down, take it easy, and stress less about things. Now, this doesn't fit well with the American lifestyle ya'll are used to. I realize that, so don't be afraid to contact me and set something up. And it's OK to be very blunt about times and making sure I'm getting your messages. Sometimes I'm bad at replying but I'm not trying to purposely ignore you. Last week I got a three part text saying: Amanda! This is your wellness check. Are you good? I can not express how much that meant. *I'm not saying you need to start texting me to ask if I'm alright, I am.* However, I hadn't gotten back to a few messages from this friend. So she gave me a few days, and then checked in to the point that it got my attention and it registered that I needed to get back to her. So, thank you to that friend who gets it. Now, whether its the fact that I learned to chill out a little too well or that I basically went an entire year without having to make any plans, or just the fact that I suck at following through. I'm sorry that this is the case, but I guess that's just where I'm at these days.
     OK, so hopefully by now you're feeling better about the fact that I haven't seen you yet. Now, where shall I ramble to next..? Oh I know, how about the dreaded question of “what are you doing now?” and “what's next?”. I'm not trying to sound like a B!*#*, but those questions aren't helping anyone and sometimes make me feel like Sh!t. Now, logically I know you are asking out of genuine interest and most of you mean nothing by it. But what I hear is: why aren't you working full time? What are you doing with your life? What you're doing now clearly isn't enough… But guess what? Remember what you read up above? I'm OK with where I'm at. During our finial retreat in Madagascar, we actually practiced answering different questions that we might get asked upon returning. One that I pulled out from the envelope was basically “what are you doing now?”. I was like, oh great of course I would get this question! Others in the group already knew they would be starting school or had a new job lined up for when they got back, and then there was me. However, once again our fearless Country Coordinator, PK was there with words of wisdom. She said something along the lines of: It's OK to say you don't know. It's OK to say you're taking time to see friends/family and adjust to being back. And that my friends, is exactly what I'm doing. I'm taking time. I'm breathing. I'm evaluating what's important to me. I'm finding myself (nothing like spending a year not being able to be fully you, to make you realize how important it is). So maybe it doesn't always look like I'm doin a whole heck of a lot, but I promise you, I am. At least, I'm trying to. But to answer your questions: I'm working weekday/weekend programs for NISRA and I'm back with my old client doing some home healthcare. Is it full time work? No. Does the work have anything to do with my degree? No, not really. But I can tell you this, it's enough for right now. It's getting me out of the house, and getting a little money in my pocket. As for the future, I'd still really love to go to Puerto Rico and help with hurricane relief efforts. So that's what I'm looking into right now. That's all I got so far. Sooo stop asking! Ha (just kidding-ish) :)

     Another question people have been asking me is “what is it like being back?” And my dear friends, that's a really hard question to answer. It's weird, sad, exciting, different, annoying, good, bad... it's so many things. And it's all of this all at once. Remember me saying I'm overwhelmed sometimes? Yeah.. So anyways, I obviously had no idea what it would be like to return. I figured I would miss my community in Mada, but there's FB and I would be so excited to be home, that it would all be fine. Although I realized super fast that it's not that easy. I do miss my people and I miss certain aspect of life there (and sometimes FB actually makes that harder). Ultimately, coming back is way more than just missing people you left behind (at least in my experience). Besides the sadness that comes from leaving new loved ones behind, there's also that little thing of reverse culture shock. I really didn't think this would affect me too much, but it's surprising when it'll just slap ya in the face. Like being out for a walk and seeing tires sitting on the curb for garbage pickup and I was instantly brought back to the small village we visited and how the people there were so proud of their craft of making sandals out of used tires. I saw those tires and though of how many people could have shoes on their feet because of them. Or the day where I was being super productive and going through clothes and changing out summer for fall/winter attire. Then hours later as I'm driving somewhere I start to get teary eyed because I start thinking about the amount of clothes I have and the fact that it's absolutely ridiculous. Also, the one million options you have to pick from all the time here, wow! (and you thought I was bad at making decisions before) Those are just a few examples for you.

     Overshadowing all of this, is of course the loss of my dad. I feel cheated in a sense for not being able to put more efforts into processing leaving Madagascar and being back here. The other weekend I went to a lovely retreat with my fellow YAGM volunteers. We had intentional time to debrief parts of our year and learn about letting go and grief and so on. However, my head wasn't there for most of it. Because the fact of the matter is, that the hardest part of being home, is the fact that my dad isn't here. I have a hard time going to my parent's house. I haven't been able to go to my home church. I can't stop thinking about how unfair and messed up this new reality is. Like, it can't be real, can it? In anger I think, I gave a year of my life to go out and do some good, and this is what I get? Not only am I now forced to live without him, but I'm haunted by the fact I also missed all his “lasts”. I'm already starting to think about how crappy last Thanksgiving was, and now I'm not so sure how I'm even going to get through the day this year. Or I think about how much I missed Christmas Eve service at Zion last year, and I wonder if I'll even be able to handle it this year now.
     I miss Madagascar. I miss my people there. I miss my YAGM cohort. I miss my dad. I miss being able to say “parents”. I grieve over regrets. I grieve the fact that I might never return to Madagascar, I may never see those people that mean so much to me again. And I'll grieve the death of my father for the rest of my life. I think it's safe to say that I'm workin through a whole hell of a lot these days. I'm trying. I might be distant some days, or extra crabby. I know this, and I'm sorry.

** Edit 11/18/18

     I wrote the above words about 3.5-4 weeks ago. The day I finally felt ready to post it I was running a little late to leave the house and thought I would just post the next day. Well, that day came and my cat died unexpectedly. So, I thought I couldn't possibly post a blog saying I was OK on a day that I was very much not OK.
     And this got me thinking..... Maybe I shouldn't just say that I'm OK. Because the reality is, sometimes I don't feel OK at all. Sometimes I feel nothing, and sometimes I have a great day. Sometimes I want nothing more than to be around people, and sometimes I cant get far enough away. I guess what I really mean when I say I'm OK, is this: It's OK to not be OK. It's OK to take a few hours out of a day or hell, an entire day to sit and do nothing. It's OK to go through a variety of emotions in a 24 hr period. It's OK to randomly start crying in the car. And what I need right now, is to be at peace with this. To acknowledge where I'm at in life right now and have grace with myself. As long as I keep waking up, keep inhaling, keep attempting to live and love...... I have to believe I'll get through it all.
     Also, regarding Madagascar, I was recently informed by someone close to me that they wanted to ask me questions about Madagascar, but were afraid to. PLEASE don't let this be the case. If you have specific questions, please don't hesitate to ask. I love talking about my experiences. I just never know who really wants to know specific things and who is just asking to ask because they are seeing me for the first time. Some people are just fine with the “oh, it was a wonderful experience, very eye opening!” answer, but trust me I have more to say if you really want to know. :)