Expectations

     Google defines expectations as: “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case.” The example sentence that follows reads: “reality had not lived up to expectations". Expectations can be a tricky thing. I've been wondering lately what made me think I could form expectations for my year abroad before leaving. For starters, I had never spent any extended period of time abroad. Secondly, I certainly didn't know enough about Madagascar to be forming such preconceived notions. However, those facts didn't seem to phase me, or others I spoke to about my year in Madagascar for that matter. Many people I spoke to told me what they thought I would look like upon returning from a year away, and it all sounded good to me. Of course I had thought some of the same things, and hoped they might be true. But I have to say that hearing it from so many others certainly made me think the chances of these changes happening were pretty good. I started forming expectations for my year in Madagascar before I even left for orientation; before I left the country, before I knew anything about what my year would really look like.
     One thing I thought I knew about Madagascar was that it would be hot and sunny. I say “thought I knew” because wow is it hott! Yes, two “t” hott! I was not exactly prepared for that. It sure is sunny though (when there isn't a tropical storm directly to the East of you like there is currently as I write). Others must have thought the same thing. I heard “you're gunna be so golden when you get back!” a lot. I thought, heck yeah! I'm going to get so tan in Mada. It's going to be great. However, the craziest thing has happened here. It turns out, that I have the same desire to not get skin cancer during my time in Madagascar as I do when I'm home in the States. So I often find myself lathering up the sunscreen before spending any amount of time outside. Of course, this is Madagascar and we are told to hold things loosely for a reason. There are certainly times where plans change and the message doesn't get to me. Like when I show up to teach my 6 classes (inside) like I do every Wednesday, and get told it's National School Day which translates into spending the entire time outside. This of course turns into a sunburn, which eventually turns into a bit a tan for a few days. I also have to admit that I have a chaco tan line. Which is ironically something I expected not to get. So although I certainly have more freckles present than I normally do in March, I'm still rather pale. My expectation of returning super tan or “golden” as I was told, will unfortunately fall short.

     The biggest expectation I had for my year away is that it would really give me time to focus on weight loss. I was going to have a year away from temptations, and I would make myself exercise all the time, I thought to myself before leaving. This thought was echoed by many of my friends and family it seemed. I often heard “you're going to lose so much weight!”, and I have to admit I was with them on that thought. I had no idea what my diet here would look like, but before I got here I sure had my expectations set. I wrongly expected that there would be a lack of processed snacks. Those are my biggest downfall at home. So a year without them obviously meant weight loss. Unfortunately they do have processed snacks in Madagascar, and some really good ones! And yes, I have found them. Since being here, I have learned that habits don't just change when you cross a border. I still like to snack. I still eat when I'm not hungry, and I even still binge on junk food. These are things I'm not proud of, but they are the facts. I also don't love exercising here any more than I did in the States and I can still easily find an excuse not to. I struggled with these things at home, and they have followed me. For whatever reason, I expected to become a new person just by living in Madagascar. Another huge factor that I did not take into account when setting up this expectation of weight loss, is the fact that I basically have no say it what is served for my three daily meals. I can clearly remember one night when dinner consisted of white rice, french fries dripping in oil and a cucumber and corn salad which had vinegar, oil, and salt in it. It was that night that I realized I would not be losing all the weight I had expected to lose. The two main foods I eat at the table are carbs and oil. I decided then that I needed to give up on the expectation of losing an exceptional amount of weight. It just wasn't going to happen. I have no say over my food. And when I do have a say, I find myself choosing cheese balls, banana chips, and cookies. So any exercise that I can talk myself into doing, would be in effort of not gain any weight here. I had to let go of my previous expectation in order to protect myself from huge disappointment. I have since come to terms with this new thought, but it wasn't easy to realize this expectation would not be reality.

     The last expectation I was holding onto unfortunately is also falling short. After I realized I would not be losing a bunch of weight my thought was, well at least I'll be going back with nice long hair! I figured I wouldn't by dying it or cutting it for a year. That had to mean I would return with healthier, longer hair! Now I find myself not even sure of this. I lose So much hair every day. I can practically make a wig out of the hair that falls out whenever I wash, brush, or touch my hair these days. It's actually been a bit scary at times. So instead of super long hair, I might be returning bald! “Will you still love me if I come back bald?” is a question I sent my mom about a moth back. A fellow Mada. YAGM who is experiencing the same thing had a friend tell her she might be lacking vitamin B12 which is found in meat and many foods in the U.S. are fortified with it. So maybe that is part of the cause and all I have to do is pop some vitamins. We shall see.

     The fact is, making all these expectations for myself for my year abroad before leaving was just stupid. I had zero idea what my year would look like, why did I think I could predict what I would look like after it? The hair example is a small one, more funny than anything. The same goes for becoming golden. I'm pretty used to being pale. However, I honestly expected to lose a decent amount of weight this year. This has been the hardest expectation to let go of. When I return to the United States in August, I will not be super-duper tan. My hair will most likely still be on my head and will be longer than when I left, but it won't be healthier. Lastly, I will still be overweight when I return. And that is OK. It has to be. But I will have changed in un-physical ways. I will have grown exponentially. That is after all, way more important. This year is about growth. And although my pre-living in Madagascar expectations are not becoming a reality, I know I am still having an incredible year. A year I will never forget and will always be grateful for. So, screw expectations. Live for the moment, and be present.